Living Through Abuse & Finding Hope Again

She left for Singapore to build a future for her family. What followed was a daily struggle for food, dignity, and safety.

By Freya Low Yi

One afternoon, while Marian was caring for her employer’s child, she noticed a burning smell from the kitchen and went to investigate. 

Her employer had left chicken grilling in the oven and had forgotten to switch it off.

Seeing the burnt food, her employer lashed out at Marian, “You’re so stupid, use common sense! Why didn’t you check the burning oven?”

Startled, Marian swiftly apologised. “Ma'am, I’m so sorry, I didn’t know you put something in the oven because I was with the child.

But before she could explain further, Marian's employer shoved her entire hand into the hot oven, leaving Marian with a small scar on her right hand for life.

Physical wounds heal, but emotional ones stay indefinitely. This incident was just one of many hardships Marian had to endure during her time with her first employer. 

Coming to Singapore in 2019

Marian first came to Singapore in 2019 to work as a foreign domestic worker, she was assigned to a Chinese family, who had just given birth to their first child. 

She had hoped to build a better life for her family back home. 

Instead, she was met with isolation and hostility. “Every move I made was wrong,” Marian said. She was forbidden from speaking to the family’s grandmother or her helper, and during meals, Marian and the co-helper were made to eat by the back door. 

They were often given little food. Both helpers had to share a packet of kangkong for three days.

Even during family parties, Marian was denied food. “When her parents tried to offer me some, she would take it away. On nights that ended late, I couldn’t eat at all.”

Her friends began to notice. “When I first came here, my friend said, ‘You’re 70kg, now you’re 55kg’… She knows what I experienced, but I need to stay and hold on to the work.”

Experiencing Daily Verbal Abuse

Whenever her employer was tired, Marian was the target. If the child cried, Marian was shouted at and called ‘stupid’. If they were at the playground and the child accidentally fell, Marian would be scolded.

“I understand because it’s her first child,” Marian said. “But you have to treat people nicely and not just say harsh things.”

Once, Marian was told to pick up the child from school at 3 p.m., but was not informed that she needed to prepare lunch. When she returned, her employer exploded again, “Why are you so stupid? Why didn't you feed my child lunch?”

The grandmother and the other helper stood by, silent. “Moments like these kept happening,” Marian said. “I felt small and powerless.”

She cried every night and thought about leaving, but stayed for her family.

“She’s treating that helper well, more than me… she’s smiling at her, talking nice to her. When it comes to me, it’s black face. I don’t know why.”

How The Family Members Reacted

They pitied me, but didn’t know what to do. “Her husband told me, ‘Marian, you’re a good person. I’m sorry I can’t defend you. But our child loves you so much. Can you just continue working for us?’” 

“Grandma also told me, ‘Just tahan, just stay.’ They had hoped that I wouldn’t give up. I told her husband that if she mistreated me again, I can’t promise I’ll stay.”

Relatives would only speak with Marian when the employer was away. “They ask me, ‘Are you sleeping well?’ I started talking to them about what’s happening in the house. They could only say, ‘Oh, I’m so sorry about that.’ They know her attitude is very fierce, very strict."

The agency knew too. “They told me to just stay, maybe it will change, cos’ you’re still new. I don’t know what kind of change... it’s a different attitude every day.”

Marian and her friends often talked about it. “We all experience the same treatment. But what to do? We need to stay. As long as she’s not hurting me that much, then I can stay.”

Eventually, Marian tried to leave. “She threatened me, ‘If you go out of the house and accept interviews, I will send you home.’ I cried every night. I wondered what I did wrong and why this was so difficult for me. I wanted to give up, but I couldn’t. I had a family back home to support.”

Moving to Her Second Employer 

After 18 months, Marian was transferred to a new employer — an Australian family with a two-year-old child.

She immediately felt the difference. “Now I don’t need to be scared to wake up in the morning and pray hard that tomorrow is a better day. There’s no scary words, scary things happening. You can breathe well, the ambience in the house is nice…”

She was treated with dignity. They ate together and often conversed about their lives. Marian cooked their meals every day and words of gratitude were returned to her. Her employer also gave her one month of leave to return home.

They trusted Marian. If they went out for dinner, she would put the child to bed.

Looking Back

“[The worst] one for me is [when] she put my hand in the oven, I think that’s all,” Marian said. “But even if it’s only verbal abuse — it hurts also. Every day if you experience it, it’s so hard as well. Like working every day and you get so many words that you can't even swallow.”

Despite the trauma, she holds no grudge. “I’m just thinking and hoping she can realise what she’s doing — that she’s not supposed to mistreat other people like that. I'm ok now. I'm in a better place.”

Maid of Honour continues to advocate for the respect, rights, and well-being of foreign domestic workers like Marian. 

If you are being abused or ill-treated / suspect that an FDW is being abused or ill-treated, you can report it to the police or call the FDW Helpline (1800 339 5505) to speak to an MOM officer.

Disclaimer: Marian is an alias to respect her privacy. The stories shared reflect personal experiences and may not represent all FDWs in Singapore. Each story is told to encourage understanding and respect. Any material, information or views expressed are those of the organisers and do not necessarily reflect the official policy or position of any other supporting organisation.